Back at home, back at work, etc. etc. Man... I was so emotional coming home on Sunday night. I'm such a SAP when it comes to my college friends. I miss them so much it can drive me a little crazy. I've got about four people now saying how awesome it'd be if I moved back down to Florida. And they're absolutely right - it would be VERY awesome. However, my job is here, and while it's not a permanent job in any sense of the word, it pays well, has fairly nice hours, and most importantly - I enjoy it. If I moved to Florida I'd lose the one reason I can consider moving out these days. The cost of living in Orlando or Boca, or even Florida in general is a lot higher than around here, and jobs don't pay nearly as much - even if I got an equivalent education job, their public school system down there is way underfunded. And without said nice job, I lack the funds to pay rent, and then that means that I won't be able to get the apartment.

So really, my only options if I really want to try and move to Florida are getting INSANELY lucky and somehow finding a job down there that's as good as my current one - or going back to school full time down there so that my parents would help a bit with rent. FAU looks to have a way nicer education program than I'd anticipated, so it's not... out of the question or anything, but there has to be a damn good reason to spend the money to move all the way down there and then subsequently spend the money I'd have to to travel home every holiday, yadda yadda - and I'm afraid "awesome roommates" don't count as great reasoning. Definitely a big ol' Pro when considering the option, but it can't be the only thing I get out of it that I couldn't here.

I really need to get my ass back in school, at least part time. My mom's wondering why the urge to move out and make friends and get out of the house hasn't motivated to applying and getting the ball rolling - but my thought is kind of like... isn't that what screwed me over the first time I went to college? I ended up not being there for me or for school. I wanted to go back every year to get out of my house, to be with my friends, to be in that awesome atmosphere. And lo and behold, I dropped out because I wasn't motivated by classes. So why would I want to start that cycle off straight away by only going back to school because I want to be in the social environment of it again and to move out.

Sure, I know I want to go in a different direction now, and I feel much, MUCH more strongly about it these days - but is it enough? I dunno. I'm pretty petrified about going back and failing again, just think if I failed all the way across the country? Again? I'd be screwed. So part of me just can't quite wrap my hand around the possibility of going far. The other part of me can't stand having found people I felt like I belonged with more than anyone, and willingly putting myself so far away from them. Especially if they're in the same sort of 'could-use-a-roommate' position I am. Mom says don't worry, you'll make new connections wherever you go... which I know will help a LOT. But... I want my old connections back, dammit. XD I feel so at ease living with Alexa and just sitting around doing our own things while having the other to bounce ideas off of, or tell each other about our day. Having her presence around last week, even if we were both doing different things on our laptops... that's how I always imagined it'd be if/when we'd get an apartment together. And then going out at night or just picking a free night to watch a movie together or go out...

Hell, I felt at home chilling with Rob and Rick, chatting happily about WoW, getting meals together, talking about money and work. And Chris, even for just the day, going shopping with him, discussing our current weight loss (or lack thereof). Then having Megan around for a week in February, talking about our schools and having each other to joke with again - and Kev, man, I forget how big of a connection we made sometimes since we don't talk often, but when we do get the chance to talk? Bam, it's like it's been a day. They were my FAMILY for four years. I was way more crushed about leaving them than my actual family, shouldn't that mean something? And Mom reminds me of the drama and it's like oh please. ANY group of friends has drama, just like our family has plenty of drama. Drama doesn't scare me. I know what soul-draining, regrettable friends feel like - the ones you DO want to avoid. And they're not them.

Hell, Allie and Eric need a live at home nanny. Even THAT's tempting. Maybe I should think about this when I'm not all wrapped up in the sheer emotion of missing my friends.

Or maybe I just take the fire it lit under my ass and run with it. All I know is thinking about it constantly since returning is exhausting.

( Cut for picture size! )

I haven't had my hair this short since before high school, which I wasn't originally going to do, but then I was able to donate three friggin ponytails to locks of love so I said cut the bitch! :D I mean, I wanted it much shorter, but I hadn't thought we'd go that short. I'm glad though. Lynn asked me what was going on in my life that made me want such change - especially since I was so close to dying my hair red last week as WELL. I said I dunno. And I don't really know the possible subconscious reasoning there may be, but I've been wanting to move out of my house for a year now, been wanting to have a social life again, want to be with/have friends, I love my job luckily, but that's kind of all I'm content with at the moment. So yeah, maybe I want change and this was one that I could actually DO at the moment.

Either way, I think it looks much more grown-up, and it's SO NICE to have the 5 lbs of hair gone. Felt like that anyway.

Angry/whiny post ahead:

- It's days like these where I realise I'm an unbelievable tool. After all that "I'm so grown up" talk, what do I manage to do? Get sick for the first two days of my week, then forget to reset my alarm this morning and I end up being 45 minutes late to work thanks to the fact that I was up all night again. Everyone seems understanding enough, they know I've been sick and am new at some of the procedures when being absent and all, but it makes me feel made of Fail at any rate.

- Then things are of course, a mad rush this morning while I try and start work on my three EPIC PROJECTS that all go down within a week of each other and are as follows:
+ Henny Penny, the next 1st grade play, performing on Friday the 23rd. The kids only got the script last week, and based on this schedule, we should have been on stage yesterday, now we're not going to be until tomorrow. Who knows if they'll be ready by next week.
+ The January Newsletter, goes out on the following Friday, the 30th. I have yet to get a single article of substance from any of the teachers, it's just been loads of kids' stories. So I'm sure that will be fantastic to throw together at the last fucking second.
+ The photo slideshow to music that is apparently needed to be shown on FEBRUARY 6TH. WHAT? They told me about this project in my interview, but a nostalgic, musical slideshow certainly sounded like an END of the year project to me. FEBRUARY?? Thanks for the MONTH's heads up. Now I have to take hundreds of pictures, making sure I get one (INDIVIDUAL?!) shot of each student at LEAST. Not easy when DST either bitches at me for not being in the lab, or nags me to go OUT of the lab and take pictures.

- I took one look at my calendar and promptly wanted to cry, because I'm awesome and like to panic by thinking of EVERYTHING I HAVE TO DO at once.

- I have to get fruit for tomorrow's luncheon. Shit.

- Because of the chaos of the morning, I wasn't able to get into the first 10 for queue for Naxx for the first time, which sucks ass. It's just raid, obviously, not the end of the world AT all, but it was just like UGH WHY because I would have gotten it had I not SUCKED AT LIFE this morning.

- I HAVE A PAPERCUT. RAR.

- My loathing for DST grows with every minute of interaction we have.

- Oh, and above all, and possibly the reason everything above seems like it is HELL instead of just somewhat stressful is I have the Worst. Cramps. Ever. I normally don't get it this bad, so maybe it's leftover stomach flu from yesterday and he day before but it's really really hard to run around doing teacher's biddings and smiling with kids and running play practice, when I just want to curl up into the fetal position and die.


Along with all this, I'm starting to become an insomniac again. I'm hoping when I really really get back into the regular work schedule, it'll work itself out. But I can't fall asleep without dumbing my brain with TV or something again, or I lie there wanting to cry about the fact that if it weren't for work, I'd have no reason to leave the house, or mull over why Corlett never called me and now she's back in New York, or the fact that I want to move out so badly and I really should be applying to River Falls, but I keep putting it off because I'm terrified I won't get in thanks to my grades at Stetson. I see all my friends going off and doing such... productive things, whether it's still being in school, or moving out, or getting married, or having a job that's a step toward their future career, and having friends to do things with every day.

I've gotten really good at not letting it affect me most of the time. I've accepted the fact that WoW is my main social outlet right now, and it is pretty social, but, as stupid as it sounds, I watch a show like Scrubs, about a bunch of 20-somethings and see that core circle of friends and I just... break a little inside because I had that. And now, while they're all still there, they're not here. And as much as I love them and talk to them fairly often... it'll never be the same. I know my big fault that my therapy has always talked about is how I live my life for other people before myself... but I think anyone would crave the companionship in my situation. I want to call random friends every day on my way home from work, just to talk to someone, whether it's about random shit, stuff that's bothering me, work, or to just listen and learn what's going on in their lives.

I'm happier than I was in life a year ago. I don't feel nearly as hopeless or directionless and that's a huge comfort. But I'm still not happy. I'm just not the type of person who can be happy without... people. Someone. Roommate, best friend, boyfriend, hell just.... someone. I love looking at all my friends' facebook pictures but I also hate it. I'm bloody jealous and I admit it. I always want to be there. I always want them to be here. I always want to be doing that. Megan's visiting in February and I'm going to Florida to visit Alexa for sure and possibly Rob and Chris, maybe even Rebecca if I can swing it. I'm hoping that'll satisfy me for a bit.

Christmas was pretty chill, pretty great - got plane tickets to FL for my spring break, a new digital camera, and some more RAM for my laptop, along with a lot of cash, iTunes money, and a few DVDs. One of those was Sleeping Beauty. I haven't seen this movie in years. A couple things stuck out to me:

- movie was a lot more about the fairies than Aurora, really.
- Prince Phil has a personality! Not a thorough one, but hey, not bad for the princes back then.
- Maleficent is still the most badass mofo of a Disney villain, even though she has NO motivation for doing anything what-so-ever other than she's just that ~evil~. Maybe that's all the motivation bitches like her need.

- Lastly - I'd like to know where the hell the guy is that I'm going to simultaneously meet, sing, and fall in love with in the span of an hour is - and if he's conveniently the one I happen to be destined to marry, I could live with that too.

Talk about unrealistic expectations about love - dayum, Aurora. Someone moves faaaaast. And meeting in a dream SO does not count - I think that's considered creepy and slightly stalkerish these days.

Course if I met a guy who looked that good in leggings, I'd be hard pressing not to go googly for him too.

So I'm participating in National Blog Posting Month, but not with this LJ cause... XD it's emo, and I don't need everyone participating seeing that. BUT, if anyone here would like to follow my blog there, you're welcome:

http://adamnhippie.blogspot.com

Regardless of who you're voting for in November, I'm in MN and stuck with this fucking nutjob:

Keep repeating yourself, Michelle, you're digging that hole deeper and deeper. Maybe if we're lucky you won't be able to climb back out.

Ban my books, not fund my education, send us patronizing letters at high school graduation with veiled warnings, I swear to god, I'll have a shitfit if you're re-elected. Twisting words - saying you're not proud of a country's administration does not make you anti-American. Wanting change does not make you anti-American. And being Liberal does not make you anti-American. Fuck off, Bachmann.

(x-posted from my CDJ)

Backdated to 10/6/08:
Buahaha apparently they haven't found IJ to block it on the school filter yet. I don't have a staff login established yet on my computer because my clearance only JUST went through and all, once I get that I should be able to access my gmail and things, but for now if I want any online contact... woo. I'm sitting here at my OWN desk, which is pretty fabola, even though my computer is an old clunky (yet colourful!) iMac. I didn't even think I was getting my own desk! Of course it's stuffed full of apple software and folders and folders of schoolwork I know nothing about but hey, I have my own phone and paper organizer thing and I can decorate it and set it up however I want. >:D

Ummm as far as what my job is... well, I'm not just the Colony I computer lab assistant I am the computer lab PERSON. My lab! Of... old iMacs that half work. It's funny being in an elementary school again - everything's fun-sized! The area's kind of a mess, so I'm looking forward to putting it together how I want it over the next month. In the morning it's mainly a slew of kids come in and I send them to a computer and sign off on their sheets that they did or didn't finish or complete their little reading programs or help them if they're having problems figuring them out. In the afternoon... um... I'm still kind of waiting to see what I'm supposed to do. The plays haven't started yet so I'm just chilling while all the kids are in reading, etc.

I forgot how many moms there are as paraprofessionals. I feel like I'm hanging out with my own mom's friends. There's one other para that recently graduated college, but I haven't gotten to speak to her much. It's funny though, all the women are so nice and the teachers are like "we know it's overwhelming but we'll just have you work on one thing at a time this week" while I'm sitting here looking at an empty lab like ".... give me something to dooooo". I'm exhausted because of being sick all weekend and having issues sleeping and of course just being a stupid night owl.

They use the ITA alphabet here which is gonna take some getting used to. I'm going to be typing up stuff in it for kids a lot. XD as if I wasn't already the typo queen, just wait until I start spelling everything phonetically. XP I dunno how I feel about that system. It makes sense but I'd get so confused when it was time to learn the REAL spellings. Oh well! Guess I'll see how it all works!

I think I need to make a list of little tiny things I need to know because they keep asking me if I have questions cause I don't really... not ones that the teachers or other paras here can answer. I need to know the nitty-gritty, how do I get a login, what -exactly- are my hours, am I supposed to be installing the programs on the half of the computers that don't have them yet... I feel like the last person who worked this job had a bunch of works in progress happening and I wasn't passed over their to-do list.

Although I'm also a little like the Colony's receptionist. XD My phone's the one that rings for anyone in the area so I get to answer it and take messages and let the teachers know because they're rarely at their desks. That's cool and all... but I don't know names yet so I'm always going up to someone and being like "Who's Mary so-and-so?"

Bleh... can you tell I'm bored? C'mon teachers, send me your kidlets!

... they're so TINY.

Today:
One of my jobs as Colony I Computer Tech is to type up and format the monthly newsletter. The kids submit stories to be included in it. One boy's story, let me show you it:

"Darth Mal was destroyed by missiles and disappeared. Pretty soon he turned into scrap metal and it looked like a mountain."

Imagery - 8.5
Accuracy - 1

I GOT A FREAKING JOB!!! After a month and a half of looking at Monster and in the newspapers every morning, and send out so many resumes, and calling so many people just to never get a call or ANYthing back. Stonebridge Elementary school I could KISS YOU. Or something.

I am now the new Colony 1 Computer Lab Assistant (Paraprofessional) yeah I don't really know how to specify it completely, but I'm gonna be working with kindergarteners and 1st graders, helping them do all their li'l education computer programs, and then for the staff I'll be formatting the monthly newsletter, doing slideshows in iMovie, etc, AND randomly, I'll be helping the kids' rehearse their play every afternoon.

Could I have asked for a more Meg job?

Prolly not.

Off to go out to dinner to celebrate with the parents! WOO!

Apparently, putting the pieces of your life back together makes one feel better about a shitty boss/job situation.

I'm going to for sure apply to UW River Falls for Spring, 2009. They've got one of the top education programs in the country, and yet the school itself doesn't have crazy high standards. I still have to talk to them about tranfering credits, seeing if my gen ed's will move over and what not to confirm it's worth applying, but that's looking like the most likely possibility at the moment. River Falls also wouldn't a bad town to live in. I was checking around for apartments and there are some decently priced 2 bedroom dealios in various places a couple blocks from campus.

What exactly do I look for in an apartment though? I'm not quite sure.

I may have a roommate lined up if everything falls into place. I'm not getting my hopes up TOO much, but it's cool for Tanya and I to be working toward a goal like that together. As much as I'd love to look over FAU's Art Education degree and look into living with Alexa, I've been told that the ONLY reason I'd be allowed to go down to FL again to live is if I can't get my honors gen ed. requirements transfered to anywhere but Stetson. And sadly, since the parentals will be paying, or majorly help paying for said schooling wherever it is - they get to make rules like that.

I perused the online classifieds all morning for a job for the fall as well. Nothing really promising sadly, as most of those jobs require degrees and or mechanical prowess. Neither of which I have. Looks like my best choice will be looking in the part time advertisements and just asking for buttloads of hours. Top choices of jobs to get:

1) Receptionist/Office Assistant
2) Retail/Sales (hopefully in a semi-interesting store?)
3) Hostess/Waitress

... cause I honestly don't know what else to do. XD Any other suggestions of types of jobs to look into? As much as I'd like to use my web and design skills, those gigs tend to either require a degree to prove you know the programs, or are a one time commission that I'm really not interested in doing at all.

I saw one ad for an illustrator on Craig's List and saw more than one for education positions. *sigh* If only. But I like having things to work toward. Mom's really happy that I'm thinking about it and all. I'm dreading asking Stetson for that pathetic excuse of a transcript, but... I'll just have to do it like ripping off a band-aid. Eek.

I miss Stoddy and Whit so much right now. I re-watched a video of Stoddy playing guitar hero and just hearing him screw up and yell and Whit laugh... I was instantly back in the Blackall living room, dying laughing at the two of them.

I told someone tonight that WoW's great for me because with me dropping out of school and my friends there all graduating, it's one of the few ways to interact with them anymore. Whenever I'm in vent with them, everything comes back too. Those two weeks down in Florida were the happiest I've been since leaving school.

This is probably, Kenny, Kayla, Anne and my last year at the center.

I'm so fucking tired of saying goodbye.

Okay. So I've been home from Green Mountain for about 2 weeks. And I've been SLACKING HORRIBLY on exercise. But I've tried to keep up better eating habits and that's been mildly successful. But I had no idea what the scale would say when I got on it this morning.

219. When I went to Green Mountain I was 234. I'm so happy right now. I mean give or take a few for different scales and what not, but I've certianly still lost weight whatever the case. 200 doesn't seem that far away now. :D

AND MEGAN COMES THIS AFTERNOON. I have to leave to pick her up from the airport in an hour or so. WEEEEE.

This girl right here? Has lost eight pounds in two weeks. Along with on average an inch for my measurements. I feel... so good right now. I broke down crying in front of Sam, the second fitness instructor, when she showed me the numbers. I just couldn't believe it. I've always had so little willpower for this stuff and so little motivation to really work on myself, especially over the last year, and here I am, making such awesome progress because I sucked it up and took up my mum's offer to send me to Green Mountain. I was so skeptical at first, cause they do all these sort of meditation and positive vibes type sessions that I'm always a little "...." about because, I'm not sure it's for me. Not that it doesn't work for other people, but I can never shut my brain off enough to do it. Granted, I have fallen asleep in almost all but one meditation session, because that's what happens when my brain shuts off, but along with that stuff, the behavioral sessions are huge eye-openers.

I thought I knew all this stuff about myself already. I thought I knew why I over-ate, I thought I knew why or at least how I got depressed. I thought I knew my opinion on my dad and that was that. It's hard for me to put it all in writing, but I have realised how much more of a negative person I've become in the last couple years. Not so much outwardly, but toward myself. I only have control over myself so as much as I want to take on the world with other people, I can't let their words make or break me all the time. Like Dad, he exacerbates things, and it's OKAY that I always got furious with him for doing so. I can feel that way, it's not wrong. But my reactions can exacerbate things just as much.

The only way for me to improve myself though, truly, is to do it for myself, of my own motivation. Other people can lend a hand here or there, but I'm finally not doing it for them anymore. This isn't so Dad will stop griping or so guys might find me attractive again. It's because I lost 8 pounds and I've felt fantastic doing it, and can CONTINUE to do it because now I have the knowledge and tools to do so. You're not forced to do anything here at Green Mountain. I'm going to go do elliptical once my iPod's recharged because I feel fidgety and blobby until I do so. I could just stay on the computer all day. I could just play WoW all afternoon, or watch tv online. I could read or write or draw. But I'm itching for some cardio. Everything else will be ten times more enjoyable when that's done.

SUCK IT, itty bitty shitty committee in my head. You're goin' DOWN.

You know. I really need to stop letting fear make me lazy. Yeah, I'm really nervous and kind of in denial about where my life's going at the moment and while I am somewhat excited for Vermont I doubt I will really really enjoy working out for 3+ hours a day at fitness camp.

But, in the end. I'm going and life's happening whether I want it to or not, and avoiding facing the facts and not packing or cleaning or running last minutes errand until the DAY BEFORE just makes it that much harder on myself.

Or maybe I'm just a procrastinator.

But I like the other soul-searching explanation better. And the bathroom flooded on me tonight at 1am. That was an adventure because I was the only one up. I wonder how my brother will react when he finds a bunch of towels hanging and draped all over the shower/tub. And no pads on the floors. And I really fucking annoyed older sister. Because I really wanted to shower. ;_;

Will be an interesting morning/day.

And I just noticed the Adult Content thing below. This post keeps getting better and better.

Stop, Meg. It's 5am. Stop.

I wanna do it too!
Comment anonymously and tell me what you really think of me. :D

It's... time to get a-crackin' now that my brain has officially switched into 'at home' gear.

TO-DO
- Unpack laundry/put in dresser
- E-mail profs
- Finish unpacking books and filling bookcases
- Hang up clothes in closet
- Finish cleaning out closet
- Tartuffe rough sketches
- E-mail Dr. Schmidt about sewing sampler
- Order new tablet pen
- Commissionzzz
- Order Ross's b-day/x-mas present online
- Restart Sparkpeople
- Call Anne
- Call Tara about SLAC myspace/facebook
- Get break schedules from counseling peeps
- Call Kayla
- RP to-do list
- Start recoding pictures on art site
- Design layout for SC.net
- DRAW AGAIN omfg
- Help Mum buy tree
- Decorate tree
- Trade music with Ross
- Rip and transfer music for Mum
- Finish GHM site and make updateable for next webmastah.

Goodbye, Stetson. I'll miss you.

Wow.... GORGEOUS video, and music. I can't get enough of the fucking cello, my god.